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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26977804">Lab Monkey Pickup Lines</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightypocketcow/pseuds/mightypocketcow'>mightypocketcow</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Engineer Reader, F/M, bar setting, crazy pickup lines, dammit jim im a psychology major not an engineer, design engineering, i didnt know what else to call it okay, its almost vaguely cringy but i did write it at like 2am four months ago and have not edited it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:46:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,614</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26977804</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightypocketcow/pseuds/mightypocketcow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Y/N is honestly just trying to have a quiet night off, chilling out at the bar, so can these damn interruptions please just end already?  (Spoiler Alert: Nope.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Lab Monkey Pickup Lines</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"</p><p>I roll my eyes at the cheesy pickup line, and flash a sarcastic grin at the cadet who has appeared beside my barstool, trying to flirt with me.  "I think you're mistaking me for someone else; I clawed my way up here from hell."</p><p>A snort of laughter came from behind me, and I turn myself just enough to see Dr. Leonard McCoy, CMO of the U.S.S. Enterprise, two empty barstools away.</p><p>My face instantly flushes red.  To be perfectly honest, I have harboured a bit of a crush on him from afar, and I'd never had the guts to approach him.  I've never met the man in-person, and I have only ever seen him in passing at various social events, most notably the christening party for the Enterprise.</p><p>The cadet beside me huffs in exasperation, and I look back at him, face still slightly flushed.  "I was trying to be polite."  He says in a slightly angry tone.</p><p>"Thanks, but no thanks."  I down the last of my drink and gesture to the bartender for another.  "You need a much better line than that to win me over."</p><p>"But that's the only line I know!" He whines again.</p><p>"Then you'll need a more extensive vocabulary, or an I.Q. higher than a fever."</p><p>I hear another laugh from Dr. McCoy behind me, and I have to stop myself from flushing again.</p><p>The cadet's face scrunches up in both anger and confusion.  "How high is a fever?  Are you calling me stupid?"</p><p>"Technically, I'm calling you average."</p><p>"What's wrong with average?"</p><p>"Ask any woman.  Average can be very anticlimactic."</p><p>From the sounds that follow, Dr. McCoy sounds like he choked on his drink.</p><p>"I don't know what that word means, but I think you're saying that I'm boring and can't give you pleasure."</p><p>"Ah, so you can extrapolate from contextual data.  Very interesting, the lab monkeys must be doing Shakespeare by now."</p><p>"Are you trying to say I'm dumber than a lab monkey?"</p><p>"No, no.  I'm saying you're smarter than a lab monkey."</p><p>"Oh."  The cadet smirks, raising his eyebrows flirtatiously and leaning in, as though this was tipping the conversation back in his favour.  "Well, thank you."</p><p>"It's not really a compliment.  The average human <span class="u"><strong>should</strong></span> be smarter than the average lab monkey; biologically and physiologically speaking we are more evolved and more equipped for our own standards of intelligence and how we measure it.  So, if you weren't smarter than a lab monkey, I would be concerned for not only you but for the future of Starfleet."</p><p>"Why would the future of Starfleet matter?"</p><p>I blink.  "Because you're one of their cadets?  And if they let in people dumber than a lab monkey, I wouldn't want any of the new cadets ever flying my ships."</p><p>"<span class="u"><strong>Your</strong></span> ships?"  He scoffs.  "Suddenly you own all of Starfleet because you're smart and know big words?"</p><p>"I'm not saying I do.  However, I <span class="u"><strong>am</strong></span> an engineer and I <span class="u"><strong>am</strong></span> frequently recruited to assist or even supervise the design and production of new ships."</p><p>"So you draw fancy blueprints and put pieces of a ship together, and that makes you a genius?  You're kind of a stuck-up bitch, aren't you?"</p><p>"No, I never said I was a genius, but you're sweet to think so.  I haven't been called a bitch in a while though, so I'll drink to that."  And I do.</p><p>"You wouldn't even give me a chance before calling me stupid and boring."</p><p>"I never used those words, you did.  And besides, I already knew who you were and I already knew I wasn't interested.  I wanted to see how far you would go."</p><p>"How did you already know me?  We've never met."</p><p>I look him dead in the eyes, and I respond loud enough for Dr. McCoy to hear because somehow I think he'd find it amusing: "You tried to pick me up at this same bar with the same pickup line two months ago when you were piss-drunk."</p><p>I was right - I can hear the sounds of Dr. McCoy nearly spitting out his drink and laughing into his cup.</p><p>The cadet's face turns red at first, then ghost-white.  He mumbles something incoherent before slumping away.</p><p>I sigh, turning back to my own drink.  "Fucking men."  I grumble as I take a long swig.</p><p>"I promise we're not all that stupid."  Dr. McCoy's voice cuts my thoughts, and I flush as I turn to the man that I'd almost forgotten was there.</p><p>Before I can stop myself, I reply, "I'm sure you're an exception."  I inwardly slap myself, remembering I'm still in my 'defensive sarcasm' state of mind from the conversation with the cadet.  </p><p>Dr. McCoy slips off his barstool and slides into the one next to me.  He props his elbow on the bar and leans on his hand with his temple.  "If I prove to you I'm an exception, will you let me buy you a drink?"</p><p>My heart either skipped one beat or five.  "And how would you prove that?"</p><p>"Well, to start with, I would come up with much better pickup lines..."  He leans in slightly, and I can feel my body growing warm from both body heat and arousal.  "And I wouldn't insult such a gorgeous lady's intelligence by using one of those common cheesy ones."</p><p>Trying to ignore the compliment (and failing, as it went straight to my skipping heart and gradually heating loins), I respond with my waning sarcasm.  "You really think you could find one I have never heard before?  That would be impressive indeed."</p><p>"So, are you saying it's a deal?"</p><p>"A deal?"</p><p>"If I come up with a pickup line you've never heard before, you'll let me buy you a drink?"</p><p>"Wait, you were serious?  You <span class="u"><strong>actually</strong></span> want to buy me a drink?  You?"</p><p>His brow furrows a bit.  "Didn't I just say that?"</p><p>"Yes, but..." I struggle for words for just a moment.  "It's just that... you're... I mean... you're Dr. Leonard McCoy."</p><p>"Well..." He raises one eyebrow, and I can't tell if he is amused or creeped out that I already know who he was.  "No need to introduce myself then."</p><p>I grin at him, some of my sarcasm still remaining as it gives way to being flustered and aroused.  "By all means, you can introduce yourself anyways."</p><p>He smirks, sweeping himself off his barstool gracefully and taking one of my hand in his.</p><p>"Dr. Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer on the U.S.S. Enterprise, at your service my lady."  He bows over to kiss the back of my palm, and I flush again.</p><p>"The pleasure is mine, good doctor."  I respond playfully.  How we suddenly became ancient nobles, I'm completely unaware, but it's easing my anxiety to be lost in a fantasy.</p><p>"A fair lady you are, my dear... but fairer still if you would do me the honour of telling me your name."</p><p>Dr. McCoy's comment reminds me that I have, in fact, completely neglected to introduce myself to him.  What an idiot I am.</p><p>"Y/N.  Y/N L/N, Design Engineer for the Long-Term Exploration Division of Starfleet."</p><p>"Wait..." He suddenly breaks all character, his eyes wide, and I feel nervous again.  "You're <em>that</em> design engineer?  You're Lieutenant L/N?"</p><p>I wonder with fear what I've done to make him know my name.  I hope it's nothing awful.  "I mean, I suppose so?  That is my name."</p><p>Dr. McCoy looks almost dumbfounded.  "Scotty has been begging Jim for weeks that you be assigned aboard the Enterprise."</p><p>"<span class="u"><strong>Me</strong></span><span class="u">?!"</span> I sputter.  Any dignity, poise, or sarcasm I was holding onto before has been lost forever.  "Montgomery Scott wants to work with <span class="u"><strong>me</strong></span><span class="u">?</span>"</p><p>"He keeps raving about how brilliant you are.  From the sounds of it, we'd all be lucky to have you on board."  He smirks again, and he waggles his eyebrows at me suggestively.  "I know I would feel lucky.  He never mentioned how gorgeous you are."</p><p>My face goes as red as a security uniform shirt.  "I... I don't know what to say.  I've always wanted to go to space, but..."</p><p>"You've never been?"  He looks surprised.</p><p>I shake my head.  "They've never assigned me on board any ship.  I helped design and build lots of Starfleet's long-term exploration vessels, including the Enterprise herself, but I've never been on one once it passes final inspection."</p><p>"Well, I guess we need to change that, huh darlin?"</p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>Darlin?!</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>"You absolutely need to come work on board, Lieutenant, if for no other reason than to get Scotty off Jim's back, which would do everyone a favour."</p><p>I hesitate, but a strange look in his eyes presses me forward.  "Is that the only reason for me to come on board?"</p><p>He doesn't take the hint.  "Of course now.  You know, I used to be more afraid of space, but it really has its good points and it has--"</p><p>"I meant is Mr. Scott the only person who wants me onboard the Enterprise?"</p><p>For the first time in the entire conversation, he flushes.  "Well... I mean... uh..."</p><p>I chuckle.  "You know, for a doctor you seem like you can be a bit dense, Dr. McCoy."</p><p>"Call me Leonard.  And besides, I may be dense, but at least I'm not a lab monkey.</p><p>I throw my head back in laughter.  "No... no, you're not."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Bonus:</p><p>"You know, darlin, I never did get to tell you my pickup line."</p><p>"Oh?  What did you have in mind, Leonard?"</p><p>He leans in and whispers in my ear. "Did you set your phaser to 'stunning' this morning?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians and happy Christopher "I think I'm clever because I'm convinced I found India but I'm actually at fault for years of racism and genocide and I am a piece of garbage" Columbus Day, with a friendly reminder to respect Indigenous People and Indigenous Voices.</p><p>Thanks for reading! Be safe and healthy, and have a great day!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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